I hold you in my heart
by Bob Regent
Summary: Sequel to Always and Forever Abandoned
1. Chapter 1

I hold you in My heart  
By Bob R  
Disclaimer: BTVS and ATS people belong to Joss Whedon  
Sequel to Always and Forever  
  
Dedication: To those guys who gave me feedback for A&F  
  
  
  
My loss is like hell  
My fears and my sorrow  
The truths of my life are with you  
I hold you in My Heart  
  
My sorrow and hate  
My pain and my anger  
They all left with you.  
  
My love and my feelings  
My happiness and my Joy  
My life and my Soul Travel with you always.  
  
I Will always hold you in my heart  
  
Forever I will remember you  
The Good and the Bad  
Your love and your comfort  
Your heart and your soul  
Your Pain and your sorrow   
I hold in my heart.  
  
Farewell My love and my passion  
Goodbye my friend and my heart.  
I will never forget you  
  
You and I will always be held in my heart.  
  
-I hold you in My heart By Tom Ryan  
  
  
Two days after the announcement of the death of Alexander Harris.  
Sunnydale Cemetary  
Midnight.  
  
"And as we lay the mortal body of Alexander Lavelle Harris, we remember the times he was with us and the feelings towards his friends."  
  
It had been only a few days since Xander's death at the construction site, the Scoobies had arranged the funeral in accordance to his wishes. His life and accident insurance along with the compensation from the law firms and building contractors had come to a significant amount, the entirity came to almost $1.5 million in all and had been put into the name of Buffy Summers.   
  
Xander's parents had attempted to get hold of the money first by running to their lawyers and having them set up a way to divert the money from the gang. Shortly after they packed up and left town, they left in such a hurry that they only had time to pack a few things, the next day the house was sold to a new family that had moved to Sunnydale.  
  
The funeral was held at night, all the gang were there from both Sunnydale and L.A. Buffy, Willow, Tara, Dawn, Giles, Angel, Spike, Cordelia, Wesley, Amy, Jonathan, even Oz and Faith had both made an appearance thanks to help from the watcher's council finally there was Anya who had returned for the funeral devistated at the death of the first man she had loved in over 1000 years. They all stood around the grave, some crying and some holding those who cried. Giles comforted Buffy and her sister, Oz held both Willow and Tara, Cordelia by Wesley and finally Amy By Jonathan. Faith, Angel and Spike stood at one end of the open grave, they couldn't believe he was gone.   
  
"I always thought he would be the one of all of us to make it through to the end, he had more strength than any of us and we never saw it." Said Faith.  
  
Spike had been silent for the entire time of the funeral, finally he said three words.  
  
"Ahh screw it."  
  
Everyone looked at him in anger or frustration, they all looked like they were ready to stake him on the spot. However they were all surprised by his next response.  
  
"I'm gonna miss you Xander, noone could insult me the way you did. I'll miss our fights and verbal battles, in over a hundred years I never met someone as good as you at it. Take care of yourself on the other side, and if you see... if you see my soul over there- say hello he'll know who you are."  
  
The whole group were shocked at Spike, he had never shown any type of friendship towards Xander. He had stayed at Xander's house a few times and owed him his existence a few times over but had never shown that he would ever be bothered by Xander's death. He stood up from his crouched position and looked around at the conglomeration of people and demons. He had nothing to say to any of them and just walked away from them into the night.  
  
Giles was the first to recover from the shock of Spike's admittence to friendship to Xander, he looked down at the two girls he was holding. Buffy's body was on the verge of collapse. She hadn't eaten and hadn't slept in almost four days, she had told the group what had happened that day that the story was created.  
  
Flashback  
  
  
"Shhh, Buffy I never told anyone most of those things and I don't know why I wrote that all. Except I meant ever word of - nothing there was untrue. I have loved and always loved my friends. I've lost some I've gained some but Always and forever my single point my only beacon to hold onto in my life has been you. You left us but I knew you would come back, I always wished that I had been there to get you and to bring you back to us. That has been the worst part of my life- knowing I should do something but never being able to."  
  
He pulled away and looked into her eyes making contact with them with his own, the mistiness in her eyes the pain and anger all disappearing under his gaze. He loved her and would always be there for her.  
  
"Buffy You have lost a lot in your life some worse than others, Merrick, Your father, Angel, Kendra, Jenny, Faith, Oz, Riley, Your mother, finding out what Dawn really is. Everything you have has been turned upside down and inside out Buffy. You need your friends and family more than ever in the days ahead. Things will happen that you can't stop but look to your friends and you will be okay."  
  
He moved forward and kissed her, this was just a kiss- no end of the world kiss, no passion that built up over time, no everything I've ever felt kiss- but just a kiss. They only thing this kiss sent to both was that they did love each other and always will. She pulled him to her and held on tight, vice versa for Xander, he knew that some things should be and some shouldn't. With any luck Buffy would be OK after this.  
  
They held each other there in the rain, the darkness of the clouds and the drizzle meant nothing to the two young people finally letting the other into their lives both touching places within that they had never allowed anyone else.  
  
"I love you Buffy." He said, he pulled away and let go "I want you to go back to the shop, I'll meet you there I need to do something first." She hesitated not wanting to let him go but had to. She nodded unable to speak, he kissed her on the lips one more time before she left for the shop. Hey eyes and face had started to shine, she had finally found at least one person to be happy with. A joyous smile lit up her face as she look at him she turned and walked to the shop- the rain was stopping.  
  
  
  
The magic Box One hour after the funeral.  
1:30 am.  
  
The gang had retired to the magic shop where many of them had fallen asleep after a harrowing week for all concerned. The back room had been converted into a sleeping room for all the visitors, In one corner were Oz, Willow and Tara all huddled together. Dawn had latched onto Anya, Wesley and Cordelia and was asleep on Wesley's lap with his arms wrapped around her. Everyone was in the room, no-one wanted to be alone that night. The only people still awake were Buffy and Faith, Faith had walked up to Buffy who was wrapped in a blanket. She had two cups of Coffee in her hands, handing one to Buffy she sat down next to her.  
  
Buffy was flicking through a large, thick photo album. It was black with gold braiding along it's sides and written on the front in gold was   
  
'The Scooby gang 1997- '  
  
The album was custom made and must have cost Xander a fortune, she and Dawn had found the album when Buffy had moved into the apartment yesterday. She had not wanted to but something had almost forced her there. When she had arrived and walked in she had found the cupboards completely full and everything paid up for the next six months, she was now in the process of selling the house and the gallery so she could concentrate on the apartment. She had left everything where it was, Xander's clothes were in the cupboards, his momentos and stuff was still scattered around the apartment, Buffy had laid down on Xander's bed and tried to sleep. But all that happened were tears and sobs, she couldn't stop she had never cried so much- not even when Angel left or her mother died, she felt awful for that but she had lost the one person who had seen into her soul and had stayed with her for the entire time.   
  
She lay there on the bed and moved over onto her front, she stared at the wall with bloodshot, red rimmed eyes and saw a flash of gold. Just a little she pulled herself off the bed and looked at it, there were two things, a photo album and Xander's Diary, both of which were black with gold braiding along the edges. She opened up the diary and read the first entry.  
  
9th March 1997  
11:00am  
I have a problem, not with Jesse or Willow like usual for the first time It's with me.   
  
I've fallen in love, I don't really know what to say about her she's a little on the small side but ever inch of her is perfect. Blonde hair, incredible aquamarine eyes a goddess in human form, oh hell I may only be sixteen but I know that there is something about this woman that one day will overcome all obstacles. The strange thing about her is she had a wooden stake in her bag when I 'accidentally' rammed into her, that was no accident I just wanted to talk to her- talk 'ha' how bad can it get when the first words you say to her are 'Can I have you' IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. She'll likely never talk to me again after that, maybe I'll see her in the library at lunch time.  
  
Well talk to ya later  
  
Xander  
  
  
23:00  
  
Ohh hell, I've, we've uhh, Jesse's dead. He's been killed by a Vampire, yes a fucking vampire, this new Girl Buffy- yeah that's her name Buffy- is the slayer- someone who's supposed to kill all the evil demons and monsters in the world. Her and the new librarian Mr Giles are both part of this huge thing called the watcher's council. I don't really get any of what's happening all I know is that there's only Me, Will and the new guys that know all about this. I have to sleep maybe everything may be better in the morning.  
  
  
Buffy flicked through to about half way through the Book and found another one of Xander's entries this one almost stabbed her through the heart. This was one day she liked to remember and at the same time a day that crushes her heart any time she thinks of it.  
  
2nd February 1998  
  
Angel's tantrums are getting worse and it's getting to Buffy, she still loves him. I hate the bastard and all his kind but as I said once before she still has something for him. I will help her to get him back if she wants I think I told her as much today. This version of him is not Angel it never was, Angel is the Brooding silent one that I really don't like, this one is evil and sick- this one is the only person I have ever really and totally HATED with all parts of my soul.   
  
I never told Buffy that I never had to, she needs someone to be there for her and I am going to be that person. She can push me away, hit me scream at me but I will NEVER let her go down the path that will lead her to her death. I held her tonight, just held her like I've always wanted to, it wasn't one of those I'll never let you go types, it was just a I'm here hug. She needs all the help she can get, she's losing the battle here against herself, she has to destroy Angelus but she can't. We have to do something and fast before she loses herself and everyone else in her life.  
  
  
The problem for me is even thought I'm now with Cordelia, I love Buffy as much as I ever did. I do love Cordelia- she and most others think it's hormones and lust and the thrill of the catch. But it's not I really am in love with Cordelia Chase. Jesse If your seeing this, be happy for me I know you liked her I just wish you could have had the chance first, I hope you can be happy for us my friend. Maybe I'll see you around one day.  
  
Your Friend  
  
Xander  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: see part 1  
  
  
Buffy's eyes were watering yet again from reading the pages, she flicked through more of the pages, the hospital when he faced Angelus. The death of Jenny the pain and suffering, the humour from the love spell- she remembered that one.  
  
Feb 15th 1998  
  
Oh man I do not believe the last two days, the most screwed up of my life. Cordelia dumped me I think really that's where I should begin. Jesse man if you had been there you would have pissed yourself laughing so much. Yeah yeah I know if it had been the other way around It would have been just as funny, well all I can say is I came as close as I am ever going to get to my dreams. But I couldn't do it I couldn't have made out with Buffy when she wanted to- just like I said Not when she's like this. Spells suck even if it did get me back with Cordy.   
  
I made a mistake with this even if they speak to me again this goes right up there with Hyena Boy, I've never forgiven myself for that attempted rape of Buffy and for the horror I put Willow through. I'm surprised that any of them even still talk to me after everything I've done to them. Maybe one day I'll end up on that side- left alone and not thought of by anyone.  
  
You know when I said about Buffy- she almost have me a heart attack, wearing nothing but a raincoat and high heels. It took everything I had to stop from taking her on her offer and saying NO to her, Amy, Willow, Buffy, Buffy's Mom, Drucilla Yeah Drucilla too- well she's attractive in the tie me down and hurt me way. But I'm not into dead girls it's definitely moving living breathing girls for me. No jokes about Ampheta Please.  
  
I think that I, wait I know I have no chance with Buffy anymore she made that clear once I'm going to give up on it and try to keep it going with Cordy. I love Buffy but I can't keep waiting anymore.  
  
  
Buffy kept turning pages and she stopped at one entry that she had to see had to know about.  
  
  
May 14th   
We did it we stopped the Bastard, I should be happy we stopped Angelus and stopped the world from ending. Why aren't I happy, because I lied, I lied to Buffy about Willow retrying the spell and she killed him, I think the spell worked and she still had to kill him and you want to know why? I'll tell you, I didn't want to die. Pure and simple, If I had told her, she wouldn't have fought and would have died and so killing me, Willow, Oz and everyone else on the planet. I chose the world over that bastard an over my own conscience.   
  
The other reasons- my best friend is stuck in a wheelchair for a month and my other best friend and woman I love has run away.   
  
Dammit Why the hell did she run didn't she know we were here for if she needed us, I'm here I was always here. Anytime she needed help or someone to talk to or just to make sure she wasn't alone any more. I love her and I want to go after her, she needs us needs me and I want to help her but I can't with Buffy gone there's only the others left.  
  
I was always there if she ever needed a friend, she's lost the man she loves- twice her mother has thrown her out of their house. She's wanted for murder and has been thrown out of school, she's done nothing except what she was born to do- fight evil and ill demons and what happens her own personal inner demons have won her the fight for her mind and soul. I wish there had been something that I could have done for her, she still pushed me away even after I tried to help, I'm not incapable of helping her she just doesn't want my help. But she had it whether she likes it or not .  
  
I said I would not wait anymore- well I have to, without Buffy in my life things have changed, I still have Cordelia but I told Willow I loved her.  
  
My life is hell- what am I going to do.  
  
  
Buffy had closed the Diary at that point and held it close to her chest she never knew and even now that she did she couldn't do a thing about it- not a thing.  
  
  
End Flashback  
  
The magic Box- Current time  
  
  
"Have you opened it yet B" asked Faith  
  
Buffy shook her head in the negative, she hadn't had the nerve to open the photo album since she found it. She looked up at Faith, faith looked almost as bad as she did, he hair was dirty and stringy her face red and tear streaked- she missed Xander as much as anyone ever had. She had looked better, she had realised too late- much like all of them had that Xander was one of the most important pieces of their lives- her only real friend and a man she had feelings for. Real Feelings, she knew she had held a place in his heart, the story had said so.  
  
"Are you going to." She asked.  
  
"Faith, I'm not sure if I want to, I don't know what's in here what if there's things he had never wanted anyone to see."  
  
"Buffy." Faith said quietly, Buffy looked at Faith and knew that Faith was trying to get her to open the Book, Faith only ever called her by her full name when she was a little annoyed at her or inpatient about something. "Open the Book, it's the only way you'll ever see what's in there."  
  
Buffy nodded and opened the Album, she knew Faith was right, it was the only way to remove some of her inner Demons. Maybe one day she would look on these pictures with happy thoughts and warm feelings but for now it would be sorrow and hollow feelings for a very long time.  
  
  
On the first page.  
  
  
  
The Scooby Gang  
March 1997  
  
Buffy Summers  
Alexander Harris  
Willow Rosenburg  
Rupert Giles  
  
  
November 1998  
Daniel Osbourne  
Cordelia Chase  
Jenny Calender  
Kendra  
  
September 1999  
Dawn Summers  
Joyce Summers  
Faith Williams  
  
  
November 2000  
Tara Maclay  
Anya Emerson  
Riley Finn  
  
Foreword By Alexander L. Harris  
  
Well I suppose If anyone's reading this I'm either Dead or Married either way I'm in trouble. Well Hey guys bet you didn't know about this did ya, well I've been getting pictures of everyone we've ever had in the Scoobies and put them in here. I hope you like them, they are set in order so you should remember some of them.  
  
See you around guys I hope so anyway- your friend  
  
Xander  
  
  
Lifting over the pages they came to the first photo- the almost infamous one of Buffy, Xander and Willow laying down on the ground together looking at the camera. Xander's head in Buffy's lap, they all seemed happy there and they had been.  
  
Next was a Picture of all of them, The four core members, Joyce, Oz even Cordelia from the year later. Xander's face was one of contentment and he seemed happy for everyone.   
  
Again another of them all- the picture had been taken the night before Cordelia had left for LA, the two of them had finally got on well together and there had always beenm the rumour that they ahd left each other that night- the next morning to be exact Cordelia having given Xander her greatest gift.  
  
There were other pictures, some with them as teens even a few over the last year, Tara had once said that she felt like she had never fitted in until an innocuous comment from Xander where he said 'Here's my three favourite ladies' in the magic shop. She knew she was a Scooby right then.  
  
One of the last pictures was of the six of them just after her Mother's death, Xander was trying to cheer her up and managed to get Willow, Tara, Dawn and Giles to take a picture with her and Xander. What she had never realised that as she was hugged in Xander's arms in the picture that's he felt safe and cared for, for the first time in along time.  
  
Buffy started to tear up again at the pictures, one however caught her eye, Xander in his Puffy Suit as she hugged him the day before her mother died. Somehow he had got a picture of that and he had kept it.  
  
"I miss him Faith more than I missed anyone- even Angel as much as I miss Mom."  
  
"I know B, so do I. I mean he was the only person ever to like me as ME. He made me laugh he was fun and one hell of a ride even if I never told him." She brought her hands up and help them a distance apart. She nodded at Buffy's widened eyes.  
  
"Yep like that, made me a little sore for a while too. Goes like a stallion."  
  
She smiled at Buffy's slight smile, the first for a while, she had had no reason to. But Faith was more like Xander than she let on mostly. Faith also had a serious problem, one that could shake her tenuous friendship with Buffy apart one that she couldn't get into for a long time.  
  
"Come on B lets get some sleep."  
  
Buffy picked up the two books and held them close to her chest letting the dark haired woman lead her to a bed.   
(Mind out of the gutter People)  



End file.
